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The This, The That, The Other & The WHY?

WHO CARES WHEN YOU’RE 70

When you are 70……………
I was standing at the bar at the VFW one night minding my own business.

This FAT ugly chick came up behind me, grabbed my behind and said, “You’re kinda cute. You gotta phone number?”

I said, “Yeah, you gotta pen?”

She said, “Yeah, I got a pen”.

I said, “You better get back in it before the farmer misses you.”

Cost me 6 stitches…but,

When you’re seventy…………..who cares?

**********
I went to the drug store and told the clerk “Give me 3 packets of condoms, please.”

Lady Clerk:  “Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?”;

I said “Nah… She’s purty good  lookin’…..”

When you’re seventy…………..who cares?

***********

I was talking to a young woman in the VFW last night.

She said, “If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you’d look all right.”;

I said, “If I did that, I’d be talking to your friends over there instead of you.”;

Cost me a fat lip, but…

When you’re seventy……………who cares?

**********

I was telling a woman in the Club about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her breasts.

“Really” she said, “Go on then… try.”

After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said, “Come on, what day was I born?”

I said, “Yesterday.”

Cost me a kick in the nuts, but…

When you’re seventy……………who cares?

*********

I got caught taking a pee in the swimming pool today.

The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.

When you’re seventy……………who cares?

**********

I went to our VFW last night and saw a BIG woman dancing on a table.

I said, “Good legs.”

The girl giggled and said, “Do you really think so?”

I said, “Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now.”

Cost me 6 more stitches, but…

When you’re seventy……………who cares?

“Count your life by smiles, not tears, count your age by friends, not years, and

remember

we do not quit playing because we grow old…. we grow old because we quit playing”


LIVE A LIFE THAT MATTERS

Ready or not, someday it will all come to an end.
There will be no more sunrises, minutes or days.
All the things that you have collected, whether they are treasures or troubles,
will pass to someone else.
Your wealth, fame, and temporal power will shrivel to irrelevance.
It will not matter what you own, what you owe, or what you are owed.
Your grudges, resentments, frustrations and jealousies will finally disappear.
So, too, your hopes, ambitions, plans, and to-do lists will expire.
The wins and losses that once seemed so important will fade away.
It won’t matter where you came from or on what side of the tracks you lived on in the end.
It won’t matter if you were beautiful or brilliant.
Even your gender and skin colour will be irrelevant.

So what will matter?
How will the value of your days be measured?
It will not matter what you bought, but what you built;
not what you got but what you gave.
What will matter is not your success, but your significance;
not what you learned, but what you taught.
What will matter is every act of integrity, compassion or sacrifice that enriched,
empowered, or encouraged others to emulate your example.
What will matter is not your competence, but your character.
What will matter is not how many people you knew,
but how many people will feel a lasting loss when you are gone.
What will matter is not your memories, but the memories that live in those who loved you.
What will matter is how long you will be remembered, by whom, and for what.
Living a life that matters doesn’t happen by accident.
It is not a matter of circumstances, but of choice.


The Flying Chicken

What the….

The true story (?) of the Chicken Gun. Too funny not to share! Sometimes it does take a rocket scientist!

Scientists at NASA built a gun specifically to launch standard 4 pound dead chickens at the windshields of airliners,

military jets and the space shuttle, all traveling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of

collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.

British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains.

Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the British engineers.

WHEN THE GUN WAS FIRED, THE ENGINEERS STOOD SHOCKED  AS THE CHICKEN HURLED OUT OF THE

BARREL, CRASHED INTO THE SHATTERPROOF SHIELD, SMASHED IT TO SMITHEREENS, BLASTED

THROUGH THE CONTROL  CONSOLE, SNAPPED THE ENGINEER’S BACK-REST IN TWO, AND EMBEDDED

ITSELF IN THE BACK WALL OF THE CABIN, LIKE AN ARROW SHOT FROM A BOW.  THE HORRIFIED BRITS

SENT NASA THE DISASTROUS RESULTS OF THE EXPERIMENT, ALONG WITH THE DESIGNS OF

THE WINDSHIELD AND BEGGED THE U.S SCIENTISTS FOR SUGGESTIONS.

NASA RESPONDED WITH A ONE-LINE MEMO Smile with tongue out “DEFROST THE CHICKEN.” (TRUE STORY).


BIG STELLA Insurance AWARDS

It’s time again for the annual “Stella Awards”! For those unfamiliar with these awards, they are named after 81-year-old Stella Liebeck who spilled hot coffee on herself and successfully sued the McDonald’s in New Mexico, where she purchased coffee. You remember, she took the lid off the coffee and put it between her knees while she was driving. Who would ever think one could get burned doing that, right?

That’s right; these are awards for the most outlandish lawsuits and verdicts in the U.S. You know, the kinds of cases that make you scratch your head. So keep your head scratcher handy

Here are the Stellas for 2016:

* SEVENTH PLACE *
Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas was awarded $80,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The store owners were understandably surprised by the verdict, considering the running toddler was her own son.
Start scratching!

* SIXTH PLACE *
Carl Truman, 19, of Los Angeles, California won $74,000 plus medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Truman apparently didn’t notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbor’s hubcaps.
Scratch some more…
* FIFTH PLACE*
Terrence Dickson, of Bristol, Pennsylvania, who was leaving a house he had just burglarized by way of the garage. Unfortunately for Dickson, the automatic garage door opener malfunctioned and he could not get the garage door to open. Worse, he couldn’t re-enter the house because the door connecting the garage to the house locked when Dickson pulled it shut. Forced to sit for eight, count ’em, EIGHT days and survive on a case of Pepsi and a large bag of dry dog food, he sued the homeowner’s insurance company claiming undue mental Anguish. Amazingly, the jury said the insurance company must pay Dickson $500,000 for his anguish. We should all have this kind of anguish.
Keep scratching. There are more…
Double hand scratching after this one.

* FOURTH PLACE *
Jerry Williams, of Little Rock, Arkansas, garnered 4th Place in the Stella’s when he was awarded $14,500 plus medical expenses after being bitten on the butt by his next door neighbor’s beagle – even though the beagle was on a chain in its owner’s fenced yard. Williams did not get as much as he asked for because the jury believed the beagle might have been provoked at the time of the butt bite because Williams had climbed over the fence into the yard and repeatedly shot the dog with a pellet gun.
Pick a new spot to scratch, you’re getting a bald spot..

* THIRD PLACE *
Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania because a jury ordered a Philadelphia restaurant to pay her $113,500 after she slipped on a spilled soft drink and broke her tailbone. The reason the soft drink was on the floor: Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument. Only two more so ease up on the scratching…

*SECOND PLACE*
Kara Walton, of Claymont, Delaware sued the owner of a night club in a nearby city because she fell from the bathroom window to the floor, knocking out her two front teeth. Even though Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the ladies room window to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge, the jury said the night club had to pay her $12,000…oh, yeah, plus dental expenses. Go figure.
Ok. Here we go!!

* FIRST PLACE *
This year’s runaway First Place Stella Award winner was: Mrs. Merv Grazinski, of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma, who purchased a new 32-foot Winnebago motor home. On her first trip home, from an OU football game, having driven on to the freeway, she set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the driver’s seat to go to the back of the Winnebago to make herself a sandwich. Not surprisingly, the motor home left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Also not surprisingly, Mrs. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not putting in the owner’s manual that she couldn’t actually leave the driver’s seat while the cruise control was set. The Oklahoma jury awarded her, are you sitting down?$1,750,000 PLUS a new motor home. Winnebago actually changed their manuals as a result of this suit, just in case Mrs. Grazinski has any relatives who might also buy a motor home.

If you think the USA court system is out of control, be sure to pass this one on.


Best fishing story…

A young guy from Idaho moves to Florida and goes to a big “everything under one roof” department store looking for a job.
The Manager says, “Do you have any sales experience?”
The kid says “Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in Idaho.”
Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked the kid and figured he’d give him a shot, so he gave him the job.
“You start tomorrow. I’ll come down after we close and see how you did.”
His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down to the sales floor.
“How many customers bought something from you today?” The kid frowns and looks at the floor and mutters, “One”.
The boss says “Just one?!!? Our sales people average sales to 20 to 30 customers a day.
“That will have to change, and soon, if you’d like to continue your employment here. We have very strict standards for our sales force here in Florida. One sale a day might have been acceptable in Idaho, but you’re not on the farm anymore, son.”
The kid took his beating, but continued to look at his shoes, so the boss felt kinda bad for chewing him out on his first day. He asked (semi-sarcastically), “So, how much was your one sale for?”
The kid looks up at his boss and says “$101,237.65.”
The boss, astonished, says $101,237.65?!? What the heck did you sell?”
The kid says, “Well, first, I sold him some new fish hooks. Then I sold him a new fishing rod to go with his new hooks. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn’t think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4×4 Expedition.”
The boss said “A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a TRUCK!?”
The kid said “No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and I said, ‘Dude, your weekend’s shot, you should go fishing!”


CARING WORDS FROM A PILOT
During a commercial airline flight an experienced Air Force Pilot was
seated next to a young mother with a babe in arms. When the baby began
crying during the  descent for landing, the mother began nursing the
infant as discreetly as possible.

The pilot pretended not to notice, and, upon disembarking, he gallantly
offered his assistance  to help with the various baby-related items.
When the young mother expressed her gratitude, the pilot responded,
“that’s a good looking baby, and he sure was hungry!”

Somewhat embarrassed, the mother explained that her pediatrician
said that the time spent  on the breast would help alleviate the
pressure in the baby’s ears.

The Air Force Pilot sadly shook his head, and in true pilot fashion
exclaimed,  “And all these years, I’ve been chewing gum.”


Random Senior Thoughts…

I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds.  People get out of the way much
faster now.
Gone are the days when girls used to cook like their mothers.  Now they drink
like their fathers.
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone?
That’s common sense leaving your body.
I didn’t make it to the gym today.  That makes five years in a row.
I decided to change calling the bathroom the John and renamed it the Jim.
I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.
Old age is coming at a really bad time.


A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight
from London.

After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.
The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly
brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink.
He replied in disgust,
“I’d rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let
liquor touch my lips.”

The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said,
“Me, too, I didn’t know we had a choice.”


A child asked his mother, “How were people born?”
So his mother said, “Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on.”
The child then went to his father, asked her the same question and he told him, \
“We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now.”

The child ran back to his mother and said, “You lied to me!”

His mother replied, “No, your dad was talking about his side of the family.”

 


 

The Pastor entered his donkey in a race and
It won.

The Pastor was so pleased with the donkey
That he entered it in another Race
Again, it won.

The local paper read:
PASTOR’S ASS OUT FRONT.

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of
Publicity that he ordered
The Pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.

The next day the local paper headline
Read:
BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR’S ASS.

This was too much for the Bishop so he
Ordered the Pastor to get Rid
Of the donkey.

The Pastor decided to give it to a Nun in a
Nearby convent.

The local paper, hearing of the news, posted
The following headline The Next day:

NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.

The Bishop fainted.

He informed the Nun that she would have to
Get rid of the donkey so
She Sold it to a farmer for $10.
The next day the paper read:

NUN
SELLS ASS FOR $10.

This was too much for the Bishop so he
Ordered the Nun to buy back
The Donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run
Wild.

The next day the headlines read:

NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.
The ! Bishop was buried the next day.

The moral of the story is . . . Being
Concerned about public opinion
Can Bring you much grief and misery . . Even shorten your
Life.

So be yourself and enjoy life.

Stop worrying about everyone else’s ass and
You’ll be a lot happier And
Live longer!

Have A nice day!

===============

CYa


 

Why, Why, Why do we press harder on a remote
control when we know the batteries are getting weak?

Why do banks charge a fee due to insufficient funds when
they already know you’re broke?

Why is it that when someone tells you that there are one billion
stars in the universe, you believe them but, if they tell you there
is wet paint, you have to touch it to check?

Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when
you throw a revolver at him?

Why did Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose cruel idea was it to put an “s” in the word “lisp”?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

Why is it that, no matter what colour bubble bath you use, the
bubbles are always white?

Why do people run over a piece of cotton a dozen times with
their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it,
then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the first end you try?

How do those dead bugs get into enclosed light fixtures?

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that’s
falling off the table you always manage to knock something else
over?

Why, in winter, do we try to keep the house as warm as it was
in summer when we complained about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

Do you ever wonder why you gave me your e-mail address in
the first place?

And my FAVORITE¦
The statistics on sanity say that one out of every four persons
is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your
three best friends.
If they’re OK, then it’s you.

~~~Now send this on to your friends and make them smile too!~~~

**A day without a smile is like a day without sunshine! And a
day without sunshine is, like, night.**

———-
CYa


For those of my generation who do not and cannot comprehend why Facebook
exists: I am trying to make friends outside of Facebook while applying the same principles

Therefore, every day I walk down the street and tell passers by what I have eaten,
how I feel at the moment, what I have done the night before, what I will do later,
and with whom.

I give them pictures of my family, my dog, and of me gardening,
taking things apart in the garage, watering the lawn, standing in front of landmarks,
driving around town, having lunch, and doing what anybody and everybody does every day.

I also listen to their conversations, give them the “thumbs up” and tell them I like them.

And it works just like Facebook. I already have four people following me:
two police officers, a private investigator, and a psychiatrist.

——————–
What do you think ?
Worth a “chuckle”
CYa
—————


“SIX LITTLE STORIES”
{1}
Once all villagers decided to pray for rain.
On the day of prayer all the people gathered,
but only one boy came with an umbrella.
That’s FAITH.
{2}
When you throw babies in the air,
they laugh because they know you will catch them.
That’s TRUST.
{3}
Every night we go to bed
without any assurance of being alive the next morning,
but still we set the alarms to wake up.
That’s HOPE.

{4}
We plan big things for tomorrow
in spite of zero knowledge of the future.
That’s CONFIDENCE.

{5}
We see the world suffering,
but still we get married and have children.
That’s LOVE.
{6}
On an old man’s shirt was written a sentence
‘I am not 80 years old . . .
I am sweet 16 with 64 years of experience.’
That’s ATTITUDE.

Have a happy day and live your life like the six stories!
When I was a child I thought nap time  was punishment.
Now it’s like a mini vacation.

_________________

CYa


 

The Church
Only churches in Ireland can be this witty ?

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Have a great weekend
Cya


Tech Support assistance

A woman wrote to tech support, and their reply is a stroke of genius

This young woman is no different from the rest of us, both family happiness and heartbreak are familiar to her.  She is simply looking for an answer to her questions.  How do you maintain a relationship?  How do you bring back the excitement of the first date?

She wrote a letter to tech support to find her answers.  She sent the letter as a joke and only remembered about it when she suddenly received an email notification with their response.

This correspondence changed her life, and can possibly change yours.
Dear Tech Support,

’Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slowdown in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.  In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as: Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as: NBA 5.0, NFL 3.0 and Golf Clubs 4.1.
Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and House cleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.  Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed,

Desperate

Dear Desperate,

“First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.  Please enter command: I thought you loved me.html and try to download Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update.  If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.  However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1.  Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Farting and Snoring Loudly Beta.  Whatever you do, DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.)  In addition, please, do not attempt to re-install the Boyfriend 5.0 program.  These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly.  You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance.  We recommend: Cooking 3.0, Hot Lingerie 7.7 and Gratuitous Sex 6.9.

Good Luck!’


 

“The this, The that, The other & Try to Remember”

Pasta had not been invented. It was macaroni or spaghetti.

Curry was a surname

A take-out was a mathematical problem.

Pizza? Sounds like a leaning tower somewhere.

Bananas and oranges only appeared at Christmas time.

All chips were plain.

Rice was a milk pudding, and never, ever part of our dinner.

A Big Mac was what we wore when it was raining.

Brown bread was something only poor people ate.

Oil was for lubricating, fat was for cooking.

Tea was made in a teapot using tea leaves and never green.

Cubed sugar was regarded as posh.

Chickens didn’t have fingers in those days.

None of us had ever heard of yogurt.

Healthy food consisted of anything edible.

Cooking outside was called camping.

Seaweed was not a recognized food.

‘Kebab’ was not even a word, never mind a food.

Sugar enjoyed a good press in those days, and was
regarded as being white gold.

Prunes were medicinal.

Surprisingly muesli was readily available. It was called cattle feed.

Pineapples came in chunks in a tin; we had only ever
seen a picture of a real one.

Water came out of the tap. If someone had suggested bottling
it and charging more than gasoline for it they would have
become a laughing stock.

The one thing that we never, ever had on or at our
table in the fifties… was elbows, hats/caps and cell phones!
—————
Have a great 2016


HEART WARMING STORY.
Because of his stupidity and clumsiness, his teacher, was always yelling at him, “You’re driving me crazy, Tyrone!”

One day, Tyrone’s mother came to school to check on how he was doing.
The teacher told his mother honestly, that her son was simply a disaster, getting very low marks,and that she had never seen such a stupid boy in her entire teaching career.

The mother was so shocked at the feedback that she withdrew her son from school and moved out of London, and relocated to Los Angeles .

Twenty-five years later, the teacher was diagnosed with an almost incurable cardiac disease. All the doctors strongly advised her to have open heart surgery, but there was only one surgeon in the USA who could perform the operation and he was located at the Mayo Clinic.

Left with no other options, the teacher decided to have the operation, which was successful.

When she came round after surgery she saw a handsome young doctor smiling down at her. She wanted to thank him, but could not talk. Her face started to turn blue, she raised her hand, trying to tell him something but quickly died.

The doctor was shocked, wondering what could possibly have gone wrong so suddenly.

Then he turned around and saw our friend Tyrone, a janitor in the Clinic, who had unplugged the life-support equipment in order to connect his vacuum cleaner.

If you thought for one moment that Tyrone had become a heart-surgeon, there is a high likelihood that you will vote for Donald Trump

=========

the end
CYA


To All:
All of you older people, like me, will remember exactly what this is addressing!
Days before GMO foods and Big Pharma poisonous drugs!

those were the days
My mum used to cut chicken, chop eggs and
spread butter on bread on the same cutting board with the same knife
and no bleach, but we didn’t seem to get food poisoning.
Our school sandwiches were wrapped in wax
paper in a brown paper bag, not in ice pack coolers, but I can’t remember getting e.Coli

Almost all of us would have rather gone
swimming in the lake or at the beach instead of a pristine pool (talk about boring), no beach closures then.

We all took PE ….. And risked permanent
injury with a pair of Dunlop sandshoes instead of having cross-training athletic shoes with air cushion soles and built in-light reflectors that cost as much as a small car. I can’t recall any injuries but they must have happened because they tell us how much safer we are now.

We got the cane for doing something wrong at
school, they used to call it discipline yet we all grew up to accept
the rules and to honor & respect those older than us.

We had 50 kids in our class and we all
learned to read and write, do maths and spell almost all the words needed to write a grammatically correct letter…….,
FUNNY THAT!!

We all said prayers in school irrespective of
our religion, sang the national anthem and no one got upset.
Staying in detention after school caught all
sorts of negative attention we wish we hadn’t got.
I thought that I was supposed to accomplish
something before I was allowed to be proud of myself.
I just can’t recall how bored we were
without computers, Play Station, Nintendo, X-box or 270 digital TV cable stations.
We weren’t!!

Oh yeah …. And where was the antibiotics
and sterilization kit when I got that bee sting? I could have been killed!

We played “King of the Hill” on piles of
gravel left on vacant building sites and when we got hurt, mum pulled
out the “cheap” bottle of iodine and then we got our backside spanked.

Now it’s a trip to the emergency room, followed by a 10 day dose of
antibiotics and then mum calls the lawyer to sue the contractor for leaving a horribly vicious pile of gravel where it was such a threat.

To top it off, not a single person I knew had
ever been told that they were from a dysfunctional family. How could
we possibly have known that?

We never needed to get into group therapy
and/or anger management classes. We were obviously so duped by so many
societal ills, that we didn’t even notice that the entire country wasn’t taking Prozac!

How did we ever survive?
LOVE TO ALL OF US WHO SHARED THIS ERA.
AND TO ALL WHO DIDN’T, SORRY FOR WHAT YOU MISSED.
WOULDN’T TRADE IT FOR ANYTHING!

Pass this to someone and remember that
life’s most simple pleasures are very often the best.

AAAAh, those WERE the days!!!!
++++++++++++++++++++

CYa


We go to meet the Pope with a little Attitude !

This is something to think about when negative people are doing their best to rain on your parade. So remember this story the next time someone who knows nothing and cares less tries to make your life miserable..

A woman was at her hairdresser’s getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband.. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:

“Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It’s crowded and dirty.. You’re crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?”
“We’re taking Easyjet,” was the reply. “We got a great deal!”

” Easyjet?” exclaimed the hairdresser.” That’s a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they’re always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?”

“We’ll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome ‘s Tiber River called Teste.”

“Don’t go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks it’s going be something special and exclusive, but it’s really a dump.”

“We’re going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope..”

“That’s rich,” laughed the hairdresser. You and a million other people trying to see him. He’ll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You’re going to need it.”

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome .

“It was wonderful,” explained the woman, “not only were we on time in one of Easyjet s brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class with BA. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.

And the hotel was great! They’d just finished a £5 million refurbishment, and now it’s a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner’s suite at no extra charge!”

“Well,” muttered the hairdresser, “that’s all well and good, but I know you didn’t get to see the Pope.”

“Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I’d be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.

Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me.”

“Oh, really! What did he say ?”

He said: “Who the f…. cut your hair?”


WHAT CAUSES ARTHRITIS?

A drunk man who smelled like beer
sat down on a subway next to a priest.
The man’s tie was stained, his face
was plastered with red lipstick   and
a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking
out of his torn coat pocket.
He    opened his newspaper and
began reading.

After a few minutes the man
turned to the priest and asked,
‘Say Father,    what causes arthritis?’

The priest replies, ‘My Son, it’s   caused
by loose living,   being with   cheap,
wicked women, too much alcohol,
contempt for your fellow man,
sleeping around with prostitutes
and lack of a bath!’

The drunk muttered in response,
‘Well, I’ll be  damned, ‘
Then returned to    his paper.

The priest, thinking about what   he had said,
nudged the man   and   apologized .
‘I’m very sorry.   I didn’t mean to
come on so strong.
How long    have you had arthritis?’

The drunk answered, ‘I don’t have it, Father.
I was just reading here that the Pope does.’
****************
MORAL: Make sure you understand the question
before offering the answer.

********************
Be sure to keep a smile on your face

CYa


 

Little Bob
Little Bob went with his mom to church every Sunday.
One morning in the middle of the service Bob complained that
he was feeling a bit queasy and was afraid he was going to puke.

“No problem dear,” whispered his Mom in his ear,
“just head on over to the bathroom on the other side of the Church,
and take care of it there.”

Thirty seconds later Bob came back.
“Did you go to the bathroom?” question his Mom.
“No need” responded Bob.
“Right outside the door was a big box with a sign next to it
‘for the sick’, so I just did it in there!”

————————
take care
CYa


Ever wonder why?

We all went to visit grandma…
And she was so pleased to see us all again….

image


Who needs a masters degree or PhD

Some years ago, there was a Mensa convention in San Francisco .
Mensa , as you know , is a national organization for
people who have an IQ of 140 or higher .
Several of the Mensa members went out for lunch at a local cafe .
When they sat down, one of them discovered that their salt shaker contained pepper,
and their pepper shaker was full of salt.
How could they swap the contents of the two bottles without spilling any,
and using only the implements at hand ?

Clearly . . . . this was a job for Mensa minds .

The group debated the problem and presented ideas and finally, came up with a
brilliant solution involving a napkin, a straw, and an empty saucer .

They called the waitress over , ready to dazzle her with their solution .
” Ma’am ,” they said , ” we couldn’t help but notice that the pepper shaker contains salt
and the salt shaker pepper .”

But before they could finish … the waitress interrupted .
” Oh . . . sorry about that .”
She leaned over the table , unscrewed the caps of both bottles and switched them .

There was dead silence at the Mensa table .

Reminds me of the college/university, solutions would be so simple , but the so called
brilliant minds at universities have to make the situation difficult …

************
where did “common sense go ?


Did I read that sign right?
TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT

In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

In an Office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD

Outside a second hand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING – BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

Spotted in a safari park:(I sure hope so)
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN’T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR

Notice in a farmer’s field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.

Message on a leaflet:
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS

On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD – THE BELL DOESN’T WORK)

Proofreading is a dying art, wouldn’t you say?
Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter
This one I caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and called the Editorial Room and asked who wrote this. It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible!!!They put in a correction the next day.

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
Rreally?
Ya think?
—————————————————————————-
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Now that’s taking things a bit far!
———————————————————–
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
What a guy!
—————————————————————
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
Good-for-nothing’ lazy so-and-so’s!
——————————————————
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
See if that works any better than a fair trial!
———————————————————-
War Dims Hope for Peace
I can see where it might have that effect!
—————————————————————-
If Strike Isn’t Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Ya think?!
———————————————————————–
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Who would have thought!
—————————————————————-
Enfield(London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
They may be onto something!
————————————————————————
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
You mean there’s something stronger than duct tape?
———————————————————-
Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge
He probably IS the battery charge!
———————————————-
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Weren’t they fat enough?!
———————————————–
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
That’s what he gets for eating those beans!

———————————
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Do they taste like chicken?
****************************************
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Chainsaw Massacre all over again!
***************************************************
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Boy, are they tall!
*******************************************
And the winner is….
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
***********************
“So what do ya think?”


 

11831664_878673048892505_7523813449159692282_n


Washing the Dog

A young boy, about eight years old, was at the corner “Mom and Pop” grocery picking out a pretty good size box of laundry detergent.
The grocer walked over, and, trying to be friendly,
asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do.

“Oh, no laundry,” the boy said, “I’m going to wash my dog.”

“But you shouldn’t use this to wash your dog.
It’s very powerful and if you wash your dog in this, he’ll get sick.
In fact, it might even kill him.”

But the boy was not to be stopped and carried the detergent to the counter
and paid for it, even as the grocer still tried to talk him out
of washing his dog.

About a week later the boy was back in the store to buy some candy.
The grocer asked the boy how his dog was doing.
“Oh, he died,” the boy said.

The grocer, trying not to be an “I-told-you-so”,
said he was sorry the dog died but added,
“I tried to tell you not to use that detergent on your dog.”

“Well, the boy replied,
“I don’t think it was the detergent that killed him.”

“Oh? What was it then?”

“I think it was the spin cycle!”

*********************

CYa


 

Why do supermarkets make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front?

Why do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke?

Why do banks leave vault doors open and then chain the pens to the counters?

Why do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in our driveways and put our useless junk in the garage?

Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darken our skin?

Why can’t women put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why don’t you ever see the headline ‘Psychic Wins Lottery’?

Why is ‘abbreviated’ such a long word?

Why is it that doctors and attorneys call what they do ‘practice’?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavoring, and dish washing liquid made with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?

Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don’t they make the whole plane out of that stuff?

Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?